It will be a miracle if I can remember my name after all this

Pound, Pound, Pound goes my skull. Medicine will be no help I am aware, most of you struggling writers can attest to this as well. In some ways, never going to college for writing has left my creativity gates flooded open and yet my skill is lacking. So there is no way of going back to school now, and no before you think it, it is not my age, just my surroundings. So now what? If you have been following me or know me then you are aware that I am attempting some online free classes. It is week 3 and I started to feel that I needed to add some more in so as I finished my you tube video (that is where the part of the class takes you) I decided to look up some more videos and thought it can only add to my education right? I can safely say.... I really do not know. All the "knowledge" of said teacher to said students in a classroom seem interesting enough as I scribble away in my notepad as though I am really in school. Then what? Do I throw aside all of my work that I am doing now and deal with what is being put in front of me, or do I trudge on in hopes of finishing at least the first draft of my next novel and then apply such advice in the next draft even if it means tearing the heart out of the novel and watching as my characters drown in a form of writing that makes my blood cringe? This is what I "fear", that if I get cut while writing, that my blood will be an everyday red color and not a writer's ink color. Our novels are our blood and our soul. We may not literally bleed on the page but it is there and the best of readers can see the stains within the words as long as the writer is lucky enough to be able to leave it. I know I have said it before and I know the meaning that the first draft is always called the heart draft. This is because you are adding your entire self into it and then your heart dies bit by bit when you edit. Your hope is that you are the cause of it and not the outsider who sees it differently. But, (of course there always has to be a but) if you want to share your work you must get use to it, right? As I read and absorb the words of my favorite writers work I start to wonder what their heart draft was like? Stephen King has always been and will always be my favorite writer. I would love to interview him and ask about this heart draft. Which one could you possible ask about though? There are so many that I am not sure I would know which one I would love to read. Either way I would relish his thoughts on how he felt when his editor took a pen to his baby and handed it back. Did he feel sick, wonder what his characters had gone through, were they tainted now, or was he fine? I handed my work over to someone before and what I got back I felt was no longer my story. They were not just changing structure they did not see that they had demolished my characters so much so that I no longer recognized them. Yet years later I still plug at it and wonder if I am just an ideas girl with somewhat of a storytelling ability or am I an actual storyteller?